A Little Bit of Confession

This life of mine is CRAZY! And it's crazy because of the phrase I just used, "This life of mine." Did you notice that part?

It’s okay, I overlook it as well. This life is not mine, but when I live as though it is, well…it’s crazy, I’m crazy!

So here is where I am right now. I am WAY overloaded! I have managed to put more on my plate than I realized I could eat. Sometimes, my eyes are bigger than my stomach, or is it the other way around. However the saying goes, that's me. Except it’s not the food I fill my plate with. It’s family, Ministry, and me.

I have been having this nudging, annoying nudge I might add, to openly confess that I am a HUGE sinner who struggles with...self, self, self, laziness, anger, my way, and this horrible need to please me. 

Wow, did I really just write all that out? Don't judge me! It's true. 

There is no condemnation here, only truth. And who or where would I be if I didn't just tell the truth, hell probably. But I'm not. I am heaven bound!

And on my way to heaven I have to be real. So this is me, being real! 

Transparent too

Besides those annoying sins above, I get lost in God's Word and over think it way more than I should. I beat up on myself, I question my true faithfulness, especially in my "Me" moments, and I get mad at Satan for even existing.

Ya, he STINKS. Like those stink bugs that you don't like and know when you step on them it will be gross, but you do it anyway because you know the smell won't last long. That is Satan, a nasty stink bug that seems to multiply. But guess what? He will never overpopulate. 

I hate attention, but love to share God's Word with women. Does that even make sense?

I have OCD when it comes to cleaning and can't stand it when my husband cleans because I feel like he never does it right. See, demanding, my way "Me."

I refer to the "Me" as Miss "Me" and her and I talk quite often. You have probably caught me talking to her on occasion. Her and I don't mix, yet we do mix, and I don't like that.

She is sly and I often times wonder how in the world she showed up and I didn't even realize it. No I do not help. 

You have a Miss or Mr "Me" too.

I have had this huge desire lately to sell everything I own and give it to someone in need. The problem is, if I did that, we wouldn't be able to replace it. 

I get annoyed with how awesome my husband is and wonder how in the world I got so lucky, yet how I get so jealous of him.

You might be pondering on that but if you know G you know what I am talking about. If he was a woman no woman would like him and every man would love him. You might have to come back and read that again to grasp it.

I love my boys so much they annoy me at times. I want them near me at all times, yet I want them to just play in their play room for Pete sake.

Cooking drives me CRAZY, yet is the thing my husband loves the most. He probably does a majority of the cooking. Thank You Jesus! Again, jealous!

But that is by choice. I go into shock thinking about what meal to cook. He walks in and cooks a 5 course meal with three ingredients. Again blessed, but annoyed. I love that man!

Jesus knew I needed him.

Here is a confession for you, at night when I hit the bed, I seem to become paralyzed. So that leaves G getting up. It drives him crazy, so the times I regain feeling and get out of bed, he thinks the world stopped! Bad I know. Again blessed! (Please know I am not making light of those who really are, I am thankful, very, just admitting my laziness)

On another note…

I could spend all day reading God’s Word, and here is the part lately that has frustrated the mess out of me. When I do pull myself away from the Word, I have lately resorted right back to the crazy Miss “Me” and have neglected to live out or show what God has taught me. Oh, mercy, please tell me you know that feeling.

The more I have studied and prepared for this Women’s Conference the more I realize how much Miss “Me” is interweaved within me. Goodness I really despise her.

She is CRAZY!

I love to laugh, and laugh hard, but for a while I have been unable to find reason to laugh. Until last night when I began to show my husband some awesome dance moves I use to do as a cheerleader. We laughed so hard we almost cried. I am addicted to my husband and boys laugh. So I am determined to make us laugh more.

“…She laughs with no fear of the future.” Proverbs 31:25

 I love to pray and I get annoyed that we as a body don’t do it more. I love throwing myself at the altar, and wish I could just let it ALL out on Sunday’s but am afraid that they would call 911.

I love this honesty thing. I wish I could do a Q & A, but am not ready for the questions that hit to deep and expose some parts of me that I have reserved for my husband and the Lord to know only.

Maybe someday, just not now, not yet.

I never want people to see more of me that what I really am and that is a sinner, who by the Grace of God have been covered in His mercy!

I struggle with lots of things, but love Jesus more than any of those things. I spend a majority of my day confessing and will do that until the day He takes me home.

I love Him and feel as though I am never close enough to Him. I want to please Him every second, yet I realize every second how unworthy I am.

I can’t get enough of Jesus and I can’t stand that others don’t care to even have Jesus.

I don’t want to be known as a woman of the world. I want to be known as a woman who reflects Jesus. I fail though, yet I never stop trying, and in that I know every day I get a little bit closer and become a little more like Him.

I have to smash a lot of Satan’s stink bugs that he has birthed and find joy in hearing the crunch. I even hate capitalizing his name because he is not worthy of a capital S.

I am a HORRIBLE writer who has NO clue where to put a comma or stop a sentence. But I don’t really worry or care too much about it, because it is the message that matters the most. And God’s Message will always be delivered as He sees fit. So for that I am grateful and thankful.

I am passionate when I teach and I always, always get emotional when I talk about the Word of God. I just can’t help it. He inspires me, moves me, touches me, and He saved me.

The woman of Proverbs 31 stresses me out, and I don’t like how perfect she is, yet I love her and want to be just like her. Maybe it’s because Miss “Me” feels threatened by her and the Jesus in Kristi pushes me to please Jesus like her.

I often wonder who reads this blog and have even asked the Lord why I am still doing it, even though I know why.

I wonder why people rarely comment, but then again I know why.

So I write anyway. I share anyway. I could very easily make this about me and my family, but I don’t, except on rare occasions, and I know why I have to do it that way too. So I trust, I obey, and I believe, and I know in the end He will show me.