May I

I didn't quite realize what I would be getting myself into, but the Lord did. He knew what impact would be made on my heart. He knew the minute I laid my eyes on the first picture, that my heart would break. He knew the questions that would arise in my boys as they looked with me. 

"What's wrong with them mommy? Why do they look like that?" 

"They are starving and sick." I replied "Why can't they have something to eat?" Avery asked

"Because they don't have any food." I replied

At this point, this lesson I wanted to teach, this lesson that we're blessed, we're taken care of, left me in tears this morning. I tried to show my boys that we should be giving more, doing more, complaining less, throwing away less, taking less. We should be in a state of thankfulness, humility, and contentment. 

Yes, Dax it is hard to change what you have eaten. It is frustrating to stand in the kitchen and wonder what mommy can fix for you that will keep you feeling good. It is hard to watch you not eat. But you are not starving; you are not dying from starvation. You are blessed; you are fed and well taken care of. I want you to see that these babies above, created by the Lord, loved by the Lord, would crawl with what little strength they have to get a taste of what you have. And when you speak these words, "Mommy I will go get them and bring them to my house and share my candy."  to mommy's broken heart, I realize the biggest lesson was for me. To trust in Him. 

Could I offer you a bite to eat? Could I bring you, sweet little boy or girl that is hungry, into my home and feed you? Could I hold your sweet face and look at your frail body and say with the deepest part of love in me, that I am sorry? I am sorry for focusing only on myself and my family, that I failed to see you, out there in the world starving. I am sorry for thinking every penny should be used on what we want rather than on saving your life and showing you God's love. 

Could I stand in the kitchen and make something special for you, and then watch as you take the first bite. Might it be okay if I cry as I watch you? 

Could I offer you a second and third plate? 

I see you, sweet child, you who live in the same town as me. I see your mama's heart fill up, knowing that you will get at least one good meal when you go to school. But I see her heart break, her stomach empty as she dreads the coming of the weekend and wonders where she will find food, even a small portion to offer to you.

Might I bring you into my home and make you a warm meal and when you are finished send you and your family home with extra. Sweet woman, I see you as you sit and cradle your starving baby. I see the brokenness that pours out of you. Would it be okay if I sat with you? Would it be okay if I held your hand and the hand of your baby and spoke God's love into you?

Then might I tel you, I am sorry. I am sorry for assuming that the needs of my family and self were bigger than yours. When I know God meets our every need. I am sorry for not doing more, giving more, being present more. I am sorry Father for not doing for the least of Yours.

May this state of brokenness never escape from me, may it prompt me, move me, and encourage me and my family to do more, serve more, see the needs of you and others more.

Isn’t this my purpose? To do for You Lord, to serve those of Yours who need? Isn’t this why I have been blessed, so that I can pour out that blessing onto others? Oh Father that someone would offer help to my family if we were in need and starving. That one of Yours, who searches out those who need You, would offer Your Word to me, my family if we were lost.

May I be that one, that offers You to the lost. May I be that one that takes food to that starving and dying family. Show me where Lord. I trust in You.