Filling the holes

“I have tried my best to find you-don’t let me wander from your commands.” Psalm 119:10

At the end of the day can I look to the Lord and say, “I have done my best for You?”  Or will it be quite opposite of that and all I can show forth is that I have only wandered farther away, thus missing out on the blessings that have been put before me.

This verse has been so powerful; it is one that really cuts deep within me. It has been convicting me to the core for the last 7 days.

Honestly when I look at my actions at the end of each day, I have nothing other than the word of God to gauge my best by, and as we all know a lot of times we come up way short. Well I do anyway.

Especially lately! So last night as I cried my eyes out to my husband and laid out all my frustrations, fears, stress, and concerns (okay worries) to him, God did something I didn't quite expect.

He revealed two things.

One, that I feel insecure when it comes to Garrett.  Not because he sets out to make me feel that way, but because he is naturally just good at EVERYTHING.  Let me explain, since I have been married to Garrett I have grown to realize that there is very little that he cannot do. He really does everything. He can do all His roles as a man, plus all the roles of a woman. He cooks, he cleans, he serves, he entertains, he decorates, he shops, he always dresses nice, he is well groomed, etc.

I mean really, he fits the name our best friends gave him, Martin Stewart. (Yes honey I know you hate that, but it is so TRUE)

So the minute the Lord laid that on my heart, I expressed that to Garrett, and it was as though, God began playing both roles. He spoke to me in the quietness of my breaking heart, and then He spoke to me verbally through the mouth of my husband.

The words spoken to my heart: What do you need Kristi that will make you feel secure? What is it that will make you feel as though you are worthy and good enough? Is it the praise of man, is it the attention of others, what? If it is those things than your eyes are not on me, they are on the world, and in the world there is no security, value, or worth. Not even your husband is able to provide that need you long for, like I can.

And two, came from the mouth of Garrett:

Kristi I am a godly man because of you. I am who I am today because of you. I would not be where I am or have the relationship with Jesus that I have if it was not for your example. Because of Jesus in you, shaping me, our boys will be shaped like Jesus. Your love for the Lord, your unwavering faith and the fact that you will not compromise with sin is what I love about you the most. It is what attracted me to you the day I met you. Your faith and commitment to Jesus is intimidating, but it makes me always want to be better. Where the holes in my cup leak you fill and where your holes in your cup leak I fill.

Sigh…       

Jesus You know there is nothing else for me to say than forgive me for focusing more on the leaks in my own cup, because I have done so ,I have missed out on what You are doing in me and through me. Amen